When you lose a child it destroys almost everything you’ve ever believed to be true. Your entire reality is shattered along with your soul. All too often the focus is on the mother of the child. But don’t discount the love of that child’s father.
Last May, we lost our son Alex. Yes, it completely annihilated me but it also wrecked my husband. He’d lost his boy. His hunting and fishing buddy. His mini me. His best friend.
Thankfully my husband, whom I would describe as a “man’s man” has no problem showing his emotions. He showed them hard when we lost that precious soul our boy embodied.
A few weeks before the accident happened that would change our entire world, Alex said to his dad “I’ll always love you”. That simple statement from a 16 year old to his Daddy is something that my husband holds onto so tightly I often wonder if his soul bleeds a little.
Sitting in that hospital for those horrific days watching our baby just lie there took us to a whole new level. You feel so helpless. We were praying hard, crying harder, and waiting on a miracle that wouldn’t come.
Through it all we held onto each other. We consciously looked at each other and said the following, “If we lose him we will be destroyed but we can’t let it destroy us or our marriage”. We made the decision right then to acknowledge each others pain. But to keep ourselves grounded in the marriage promise we had made 29 years before. This would be the worst pain of our lives and we would need each other to get through the nightmare ahead.
He held me up when we left the surgical suite after his last breath. He held me up as I fell apart in the hallway outside. I’ve held him up when we were humbled by our communities love, when we brought our boys ashes home and when the waves of grief hit him. I hold him up in my prayers as I watch him kiss a box goodnight every single evening. I hold him up when he reads things Alex’s friends write, post or text.
He lost his son. He’s heartbroken. His pain matters just as much as mine does. He is still moving forward, still our provider, still the Dad. But he’s broken inside.
So, if you come across a family that’s lost a child, please remember that both parents are hurting, not just the Mama.
My Journey’s My Own 
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