My Journey’s My Own

Do you know what happens?

Everything changes. Everyone changes. Nothings the same.

Rooms are empty. Spaces are quiet. Clothes lay unworn and windows closed.

There’s nothing…..except memories.

Photos. Videos. Whisps of sound waves that I pray never get lost or deleted.

The hint of a touch or a smell that reminds me.

You were here…once.

But not anymore. Not ever again.

This is it.

This is all I have.

Tears and sorrow. Crying all the time and pain I can’t describe. Thoughts and moments that replay in my head over and over and over.

Could I have changed anything???? Done something different to avoid this horror?

I didn’t deserve you. Any of you. I couldn’t even keep you safe. Keep you on the right path. Keep you away from people that meant you harm.

As much as I loved you, and I loved you more than I can ever express, why couldn’t you love yourself? Why didn’t you care? Why were you so hell bent on self destruction.

A mindless accident took you from me but we both know it could’ve been different had I done something right along the way. We both know.

And now. Here we are.

This is it.

You’re finally safe and I’m forever changed.

I’ll live with this forever. I’ll never be the same again and I’ll never forgive myself for getting it wrong. For letting you down. Never.

No matter what anyone ever says to me I will always know it could’ve been avoided. This blackness. This pain. This sorrow. You. Gone.

Im so happy I got to love you though. I loved everything about you. Literally everything.

And I would fight for that love all over again. I don’t regret that or any other second of the 16 years I was your mom. My love for you is endless and strong. That won’t ever change.

This is it.

Forever.