My Journey’s My Own

When someone dies there are things that have to be done. It’s inevitable. And someone has to do it. Someone has to deal with; memorial arrangements, medical expenses/bills, work obligations, child care or school issues, life insurance, attorney appointments for probate and/or last will and testament, homes and personal effects, possible police reports, bedrooms, family obligations, personal bills (turning off or paying off), informing the deceased’s work of their passing, and taxes. And the most horrid thing, grief. Their own grief on top of all the above. Depending on who they lost, having to deal with anything more than the grief can become overwhelming. So to then have to deal with people in general and everyone wanting to pay their condolences, can send someone into a downward spiral. Here is a guide that is meant to aid you in navigating this very sensitive time. 

• Please Don’t say “I’m so sorry for your loss”; even though this is the social norm, after a while it starts to grate on our nerves. We know you don’t know what else to say, but try. Other options: “I’m heartbroken for you”, “There are no words”, “They will be missed by all of us”, “You are so loved, and we are here for anything you need”.

• Please don’t say “I understand” Unless you really do. Unless you’ve lost the exact same person in your life, that you had a wonderful relationship with, please don’t say it. Because it will not come across the way you want it to. 

• Please know… the death of your pet, your great uncle and your step cousin twice removed that you haven’t seen in 10 years (while sad) is not the same as the loss of our husband, wife, or child. Please do not compare them. Read the situation and know that it’s smarter to say nothing than to make that comparison.

• Sending flowers is great but not necessary. However, if you choose to, please keep it simple. Attempt to keep in mind what the person who passed would have liked? Did they love roses? No? Would sunflowers be more appropriate? Order those then. Were flowers even their thing? No? Then DO NOT send them. Find another way.

• Food is wonderful but one family can only eat so much lasagna. Instead send snack food, breakfast food, something frozen or something that will freeze, also gift cards for later are perfect if you don’t know what they like or would use. 

• Some people want visitors and some don’t. If you weren’t very close to them or to the person who passed I would opt to send a text message saying “Thinking of you” and visit later when things calm down. A lot of those in grief would never say it but visitors are exhausting, even the ones who are the most well meaning.

• Sending a card is always a good idea. And there are several great messages online you can find to write inside. If the family is not religious, steer away from that. 

• Your relationship to the deceased will dictate your need to attend the memorial. Always be respectful and allow the family some space after the service to get some food. In fact, offering to get that for them would be a wonderful gesture to do. 

• Instead of saying “Let me know what you need”, instead ask “What can I do for you today?” Because the person who is hurting won’t know what they need and they won’t want to ask. But phrasing it differently changes how they might respond. 

• Send or buy the groceries. It doesn’t even matter about likes and dislikes. Grief groceries are items a 9 year old would buy at a mini mart with $10 in their hands. It’s the depression food. With the addition of eggs, bread, a gallon of milk and maybe some butter and cereal (if there’s kids). Just staples with some junk food thrown in. Take it and drop it off or have it delivered. Send a text message letting them know to open the door and take it inside. FYI don’t forget to add a box of tissues (the good ones) to that order.

• If you’re a close friend, taking over coffee, showing up to take kids to school, help with laundry, washing dishes, or running the vacuum is what you’re needed for. Take the kids to your house for a couple days, then go back and help your friend get out of bed, shower and brush their teeth, have fresh towels, make sure they have a meal, feed the animals, mow the lawn, whatever is needed. Close friends are there to take those tasks up if the extended family isn’t there to do it, that’s what you are there for.
  • You are also there to let them rest. You are there to take the pressure off them as much as possible without adding to their stress, so read the room and know when it’s time to see yourself out.

• Grief comes in waves. There is also no timeline, there’s no end to it. So know that they will still need you in 6 months, 10 months, 1 year and 5 years. Keep checking in. Keep saying their loved ones name, keep talking about the good times, the funny moments and how much they meant to you. They want you to…trust me.

Ultimately you know your people. You know what they need, but when we lose someone we love it can cause our brains to go so foggy we forget how to function properly. For some of us, grief has hit often and hard the last few years. We have become so good at it that it’s become second nature, then it hit us right between the eyes and swept us off our feet. So having those wonderful people around us that taught us what it meant to really have a community and a tribe and a family was the most valuable thing we could have had at our lowest time.

Go with peace and love.