I Envy You

This post is to all those women and girls who have amazing fathers that they adore and who adore them.

I envy you.

I never had that.

I have very few memories of my childhood with my dad. The ones I do have are okay but they don’t drip with love and adoration. He was simply there.

My Grandpa, Dad and myself

Then he wasn’t.

My parents split up when I was four years old. They would officially divorce when I was nine.

That’s when the visitations began.

He lived an hour away and was supposed to get me on the weekend, twice a month. Standard visitation in the 80’s.

It was good for awhile. He’d come get me and we would go roller skating and shopping. We went to the zoo and out to eat. We even visited family once in awhile.

Dad and I 1984

Then he stopped coming. He didn’t call or send birthday cards. And I didn’t know why.

The next time I heard from him was over the phone and he was announcing his upcoming marriage. To a woman I’d never met.

He wanted me there. I was pissed!

How could he think I’d want to go? I didn’t know her, barely knew him and he’d been out of the picture forever! So….no.

When I was 15 I finally went to spend a weekend with them. She was kind and wanted to make me feel comfortable. Dad was his typical self, trying to act like I saw him all the time and that we had a relationship. Yeah, that wasn’t a thing.

I turned on my best bitchy teenager face and the weekend ended as slow as it could.

He didn’t come to my graduation.

He didn’t give me away at my wedding.

He would finally show back up the day I had my first child.

Dad and Megan his 8th grandchild

This time he stuck around. He was present and became a great dad and an extraordinary grandad (to my child only by the way)

We had this great relationship for the next five years.

Megan and Dad 1999

Then he vanished again.

No calls, no texts, no explanation. Nothing.

Sigh

Then he started to get sick. And my guilt kicked in. Because I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want to deal with it or him. It was easier to pretend that it wasn’t going on and to let my sister handle it.

Then he died.

I fell apart.

There was no more time to fix anything. Our relationship was officially over. He was gone for good.

It hurt.

Bad.

Because no matter what he did or didn’t do he was still my dad! I didn’t have him wrapped around my finger. I didn’t have his support on everything I did. I could call him to help me fix stuff or take the kids overnight. I was never daddy’s little girl.

And now, I never would be.

I envy you who have this.

Cherish it. Covet it. Take pictures of it and make as many memories as possible.

Not everyone can.

You are the lucky ones.

2 thoughts on “I Envy You

  1. Thank you for sharing a part of your life that must’ve painful to recount. Kudos on your courage!

    Like

    1. Thank you for those kind words. It’s therapeutic to speak about it. Xoxo

      Like

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