What Happened?
In May of 2023 our nightmare began. Our 16 year old son, Alex, was hit by a vehicle while crossing a busy road. He suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and was in a coma for six days. On May 22, 2023 we decided to remove him from life support and say goodbye to our baby boy. Our grief journey had begun. The events and emotions to follow this event have been gut wrenching and yet, oddly rewarding too. I decided to start this journal not only to heal myself, but to aid others who may be going through this same pain. Welcome to My Journey.
The thing about grief
Here’s the thing. It’s different for everyone. It comes and goes. It never goes away, especially when you lose a child. You can smile and be OK some days and a complete mess others. People won’t know what to say or do. You may gain friends and you may lose some. People will surprise you. None of this will bring your child back. I’m not a doctor, a nurse, or a therapist. I’m just a mom who’s lost a child. I’m speaking from my experience, my heart, the books I’ve read, and the people I’ve spoken to. It’s a journey, an ongoing one. And it’s one I do not want to be on, yet here I am. You’ll see every emotion, references to religion, spirituality, the after life, adult beverages and a good amount of swearing. Join me in the conversation.
“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
— Queen Elizabeth II
About Alex
Alex was born in 2007. A true gift from God. He was a blond haired blue eyed baby boy who was full of mischief. As a small child he was always laughing and having fun. He loved sports and playing with his friends. Football, wrestling, baseball, and soccer. He had such a zest for life and fit so much of it into his 16 years. He loved being a brother and was such a wonderful son. He was a country boy through and through, never really playing video games but preferring being outside. If he could get dirty doing it, he did it. When Covid hit, it was a perfect storm. He had all kinds of emotions and hormones hit all at once time, then he lost the one person dear to him. His grandpa. It sent him into “teenager” overdrive. He began struggling with anger issues, self medicating, using alcohol and pushing the limits. He became very hard to raise. But our love for him never faltered. We were simply going to love him through it. We almost made it. He was out swimming at a popular swimming spot with “friends” when the accident happened. Our baby was gone. Doing nothing wrong, where he said he would be, and doing what kids do. A true accident. Nobody’s fault. Bad timing and being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Life is cruel. Our hell raising beautiful boy is now our forever angel.
Through our pain we needed to bring joy, so we decided to save lives by making Alex an organ donor.
Please have this conversation with your family, including your children. Save a life if you can.
#TeamAlex #Forever16
“Don’t do stupid Shit”
~Love, Mom & Dad
A Funny Memory…
When you have a child like Alex, trying to come up with just one great memory that makes you smile is pretty difficult. However, I do have one that keeps coming up. When he was around 3 or 4 he was given a small guitar that had no strings but that made music if strummed. He loved this instrument. And he packed it everywhere. We truly thought we had a true musician on our hands. Being huge fans of 80’s hard rock and classic country that would have suited us just fine. When that little boy played that guitar he did it with true enthusiasm and gusto. Yet zero skill. Our dreams of a rock or country star were short lived. Our kid was simply a spaz. But he was entertaining to watch and he always made us laugh. We would forever be his number one fans in everything he did, even if being famous wasn’t in the cards.
Today I Miss
Today I miss your laugh and the way you loved Saturday mornings. You’d come out of your room and say “Hey Mom, know what you should do? You should make…” then you’d ask for a random breakfast item. This would always be followed up by your sweet smile because you knew I would make whatever you wanted me to.
Oh how I miss that smile. I wish you would’ve used it more in pictures. It changed everything about your face. Your sweet, unshaven, young face. Forever burned into my memory. ~Mom
What would I tell you about today?
Today, it’s like all the other days since you’ve been gone. I think of you constantly. I cry several times. I look at your photos and hold your necklace close. I think of what could have been done differently to change our lives and I wish for you to be here. Then I get out of bed.
Life goes on. Every damn day without you. And, I hate it. It’s so hard. I’m constantly sad. I find very little happiness in anything. I try because I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time, but it’s almost impossible to care about that, because I’m mad at you! Why in the hell did you try to cross the road that day!? Seriously?! Dammit, you knew better. I taught you to look both ways when you were 3 years old! And I asked you not to hang out with those people, they weren’t your real friends. They didn’t care that you weren’t being safe! I haven’t heard from even one of them since it happened.
This is how it goes every day. I fight this battle in my head. With you. I hear you, I feel you, I smell you and above all, GOD I MISS YOU. I would take your place in an instant. I would do anything to change that day. I want to know why? Why did this happen? Why is this our life now? How, how will we keep going forward?
But we will. We have to. For Megan, Faith, Nate, Oliver and Adam. For the friends that said goodbye and decided that they would honor you for the rest of their lives. For the people you saved with your organ donations. Oh how I can’t wait to hear your heart beat again! And we will go forward for you sweet boy. Because if you can’t be here physically then every damn day I will get up, I will live for you, I will talk about you, I will say your name, I will cry, I will write, and I will make sure that this world remembers that my son was here.
I love you forever and always.
~Mom
Who Is My Support System?
Since you left me it’s been amazing the people who’ve made sure that we are all OK. Which of course, we aren’t. We never will be. But we have experienced an outpouring of love and it has been to a level we could never have foreseen. Do you know how loved you were son? Of course you were loved by us, so very deeply but you made such a huge impact on everyone you came in contact with. Your friends have all stepped up. They text me and dad, they’ve made sure your brother is OK, they saw your sister off for school, they call me Mom now and they give me the greatest hugs. All your Aunties and Uncles did so much, at the house, they prayed, they cooked, they helped with Oliver, they cleaned, they took care of the pets. And our town….our community, I just can’t even tell you. So much love was poured out onto our family. Onto you. Your name was everywhere, even on television. You would’ve hated all of it. But it made it easier to just float through it all. Until it all stopped. Because most of it did. As we expected it to. Now we are trying to be supportive to others. Other moms and dads who are suffering through the loss of their sweet child. We only want to keep your name and legacy alive and to make you proud. ~ Mom
The Day You Arrived
3/21/2007, 6:06 a.m. you came into this world. Tiny at only 5#14oz and 20” long. With a host of issues and so loved. From the minute you took your first breath I knew you were mine. I’ve said it time and again that you filled a hole I didn’t know I had. It was a little Alex shaped hole in my heart. And you fit into it perfectly. From the second 3/21/24 started I was not okay. My memories overwhelmed me, my grief sucked me down and my tears almost drown me. Hours spent just crying and wishing I was celebrating your 17th birthday. And I refused, all day to use the word Happy. Because there was nothing happy about it. You aren’t here to celebrate the day of your birth. I wasn’t celebrating it either. None of us were. But we were absolutely observing it and being immensely thankful for the 16 years we had to love you. There is a lot about those years I would do differently but I would never ever choose to not be your mom. That is one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. I would’ve loved to have done it longer my love. I love you forever and always. ~Mom
Our Baseball Family
Yesterday the Little League field was named for you son. The field where you learned to love the game of baseball, where you made lifelong friends and where you learned some of the best life lessons. You were so kind on that field and yet so fierce. You played almost every position. You always gave it your all. Our baseball family rallied behind you when you got hurt and then rallied behind us when you left. They’ve been constant and supportive. They’ve shown us real love and we are so humbled by it. To see your name on the field, and to know that kids will forever know your name just makes my heart swell with pride. Later this season we will give out your sportsmanship award to one of those young people. Someone who is showing all of us the same traits you showed on the field. And we will do it with pride and love and I know you’ll be right there beside us. We love you baby. Hit a homer in heaven for us OK? ~ Mom
“in this suffering there is love. in this love there is you.”
sara rian, find me there
Behind every smile, is pain.
Behind every laugh, is weeping.
Behind every new experience, is sorrow.
Behind every “I’m okay”, is heartbreak.
Behind everything is you and the silence you left.
The hole in my heart that will repair eventually.
The devastated soul that will always pine for you hoping it’s all a mistake.
The fact that you will always be my first and last thought of the day.
Behind this grieving mother is the memory of her son, the one who’ll never truly leave her heart even though it’s shattered.
The baby she had to give back early without knowing why.
The one she will miss forever.
I love you baby ~ Mom
Varsity Baseball Senior Night
Today was extremely emotional. Daddy, Nate and I gave the last high school award out today. It was Senior night for the guys and it was so hard to look at these seven young men, your teammates, your friends, and not have you among them. I wish you had known the impact you made. When the announcer said who had gotten your Sportsmanship award we began to cry. As Damon walked towards us we saw the tears and emotion all over his face as well. You were like a brother to him and we knew the coach had made the right choice. Each one of those boys had a unique connection with you. Each of them knowing you in their own special way and you will remain with them throughout their lives. You’re missed every single day. Dad and I will always talk about you and we will continue with these awards as long as we can. They’re important because you’re important. We love you baby boy. ~ Mom
Together We are Stronger
We gathered together to honor you baby boy. To observe 365 days without your smile, your laugh, your hugs, your quirky ways, you. It was so very hard a year ago, to do all that, to lose you and everything that made you who you were. To realize that we have survived without you for a year is astounding. Your friends came, so many friends. Some knew you since Sunnyside, others more recently. Your sister, brothers and nephew came. And our chosen family was there too, surrounding us as we told stories, laughed, cried, and listened to your music. We even put some Suicide Boys in there (Yuck). We attempted to light candles but the wind was too strong, was that you? Telling us it was too much? But the best part, was the parent/team baseball game going on in the background. The whole time we were there, baseball was happening. It was perfect. We wanted to join in but didn’t want to ruin their fun. We felt you there. We miss you and we can never express how much your love touched every person that was there. We even put out the letters from your recipients, for your tribe to read. We will always say your name, we will never forget, we will always remember. Because the deeper the grief, the deeper the love, and oh how you were loved my son. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last at night. Until we meet again my love. ~Mom
Little League
The game that started it all for you. Baseball was your absolute favorite. You missed playing it so much when you hit your teen years. The other day we awarded the last Sportsmanship award to one of our Major League players. Alex Goss, Ms. Langner’s son. According to his coaches he displayed all of the qualities you did and deserved to be awarded your award. His mom even told me he slept with it that night. I was so glad it went to one of your teachers children and one that shares your name. I think you’d be proud son. We are. Proud to keep your name going, proud to honor our young athletes, proud to be your parents. We love you more than we can ever express. Until our last breath. ~Mom
My Journey’s My Own 