My Journey’s My Own

Beatrice has always been an overly kind person. Especially with her background in mental health, she has learned how to deal with and sympathize with all different sorts of people and their personalities. She is personable, funny, easy to talk to and welcoming. It’s for these reasons that she has struggled to remove people from her life that weren’t healthy for her.

Bea, as she’s known to her friends, is also very loyal. Once you’re in her friend circle, you are there for life. But after multiple incidents of inappropriate behavior, that toed the line of abuse, her other friends were finally able to convince her that certain people she was surrounding herself with didn’t fit into her narrative of “friend”. Several times they had to remind her that being a good “christian woman” didn’t mean being treated like this by people who claimed to be friends.

For example; The time that Cheryl told Bea that the makeup choices she chose were dreadful, and made her look dead. How she would never have let her wear those colors and this was not said in a kind of “sister I have to save you from your bad makeup choices” kind of way. No, this was said in a “look down your nose because you’re inferior to me” way. Then the time that Bea was hosting all of us at her mountain cabin, and was unceremoniously told by Louise that she would have never bought such a place, that it was too small, had bad colors on the wall (Bea chose those by the way), a view that’s lacking and so on. And the countless times that someone was having a very vulnerable moment, sharing with the group, and one or both of these friends would immediately do something that either turned the conversation around and made it about them, or stopped it all together. Either way, the behavior was inappropriate and sad. 

Toxic friends. 

Some people are fortunate to side step those kinds of people in their lives, however I would venture a guess that most have the unfortunate experience of having had one or two. The question then becomes, how long do you put up with them? What’s interesting about my friend Bea, who is a real person by the way, is that if she was your counselor and sitting across from you, she would say, “You don’t have to continue to endure that behavior. Set boundaries, and if they can not respect them, then you will have to distance yourself”. Advice she resisted taking for several years when it came to her own toxic friendships. 

Why?

Why would a beautiful, smart, loyal and accomplished woman allow herself to be treated like that by a “friend”? Simply put, because she has a hard time seeing the behavior for what it was. BAD BEHAVIOR. By putting up with it she was giving them permission to continue it. We had several conversations about these two particular women, and she would often say something along the lines of “the Christian thing to do”…..blah blah blah. NO. Christ may have said “Turn the other cheek” “Love your fellow man” and “ Love thy neighbor” but I never read where he said “Hey, could you do me a solid and let people walk all over you until you have little to no self respect left?” I don’t remember reading that.

The fact of the matter is that no matter the relationship, you have the right to be treated correctly. I’ve always tried to teach my kids to respect their elders and I still hold fast to that practice, however I feel respect does need to be earned and reciprocated. 

If you are the one who is constantly reaching out, sending cards, doing little things for someone, always being their sounding board, helping put out their fires, defending them to others, making excuses for them, etc. Check yourself. Are they doing the same for you?

Many times the toxic friend fits into the following as defined by the Mayo Clinic.

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”

Sound familiar?

If so, then it’s time to start distancing yourself and putting up some boundaries. You can stop feeding into all their wants and needs, start demanding some respect or halt the friendship all together. It may take awhile to truly cut the ties, depending on how long you’ve been invested in this person.

I have faith in you.

You can do it.

Lean on your real tribe.

The ones that are always there, you know who I mean.

Those are your people. 

Bea, you know I love you. You have always been there for me and I will always be there for you. I’ll never allow anyone to hurt you and I will always tell you the truth! ~S