My Journey’s My Own

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this stage of the grieving process? The act of going completely numb?

Being able to walk through the day as if everything is fine. Being able to smile and converse but feeling almost nothing.

Even being able to laugh and seem completely normal.

Nobody talks about this stage. Why?

Because nobody wants to admit it exists. It’s easier for those we encounter to believe that we are healing, that we are moving “on” or “forward”. We aren’t. We won’t. Not ever.

You don’t get over losing your child. It’s not something that happens. You just get better at being numb.

Nobody talks about it because it’s uncomfortable. They still don’t know what to say, or how to interact. You encounter more “How are you?” questions, and what? How do you respond? There’s so many ways to do so….I usually say “I’m here” and they feel uncomfortable again.

Humans are funny that way, they don’t know how to cope with losing someone close to them or dealing with those that have. So they don’t. 200 years ago grieving parents would have been stuck in asylums, deemed crazy. There are days I would welcome that padded room.

Being in large crowds, around people you love, church events, school events, seeing their friends and your brain telling you to love all of it and yet your heart can’t get on board. Because they should be there. No matter how long has passed, the child that you raised and loved should be doing all the things. The things left undone.

We are numb. Maybe, one day, the feelings will return but I’m not sure. People have told me they will and that it gets easier but from my seat, I don’t see how that’s possible. The few feelings I do have come out strong, sometimes I have to apologize for those. I’m sure others avoid me now because of them.

That’s alright because I’m numb, and I’m here…going through the motions…living my life…and thinking the whole time how terribly unfair and horrific it is to do so without him.