A huge pile of crap

That’s how I feel lately. Like I’m at the bottom of a huge pile of crap. And it’s on fire.

Every time I turn around another load of fresh crap is being added to the top, crushing me even more. I can’t see daylight, I can’t breathe, I can’t move. It’s just crushing the life out of me slowly.

I’ve tried to talk to people about the never ending flaming crap show, but nobody really gets it. They have their own stuff, we all do, and what could they really do anyway? It’s not like any of this crap is fixable! Sure, some of it may resolve itself in time but more will just take its place!

People are so kind though. They say they’ll pray for me, and give truly loving advice. They listen and have so much empathy. But they don’t really get how bad it is. Because I never tell them everything. I can’t. If I do, that would mean I’d have to say it all out loud and nobody needs to hear all of it. Especially me. See, if I start listing the crap, pile by pile, load by load, then it becomes even more real. I don’t need to add another layer on myself!

Oh sure, I know the saying, “It’s only a bad day, not a bad life”. Usually I would be the one to say that one in troubled times but honestly it’s starting to feel like a bad life.

I literally can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy. I have tiny moments when I almost think I’m happy but then something pulls the rug out from under me and I’m back in my own personal hell.

I have never understood people with addictions to alcohol or people who faced real mental illness but I’m starting to have a new appreciation for these techniques and conditions. There are so many ways to cope! I haven’t figured out what I’m using yet. I’ve turned to alcohol a few times, friends as previously stated, but honestly the psych ward is sounding pretty good. In fact, I asked someone (and Google) what the “key” words were to ensure yourself admittance to said ward.

That’s about where I’m at. Check me in doc cause I’m done. I’ve said it before but the last three weeks have really placed me at my breaking point. I can not take anymore. I don’t know why the man upstairs is testing me like this. Of course I know it’s not all about me, those I love are going through this too, but sometimes I just need to ask “why me?!” Like, seriously, WHY?! I can totally understand a trial here and there but this constant attack is literally killing me. I’ve often wondered what prescription I need to be able to cope and still function and how could I get some?! I feel so lost and crushed. And alone.

I don’t like this ride and I’d like to get off.