We all have them, the demons inside that lead to unhealthy and self destructive behaviors.
I had them long before I even knew they were there, which is common. You look up and all of the sudden you’re overweight and unhappy and you wonder “when did hell did this happen?”
It’s not as important to ask “when” as it is to ask “why?”
That seems to be the hardest question of all, though, isn’t it?
What is the inner demon?
I’ve identified a few for myself and I’m trying to work on them but man it’s super hard!
The childhood demons that lead to my obesity are the easiest to identify now that I’m an adult. As they say ” hindsight’s 20/20″ and it’s very true.
- The loss of my grandfather
- Moving to a new town
- My father not being present
- My mother working a lot
These were what lead to my choices of making food and inactivity my addictions.
As I heal I’ve had to face these demons and deal with them, again, easier as an adult.
But what about the new ones?
The ones that have manifested a lot more recently?
These are the dangerous ones.
These are the ones that lead to my self destruction.
The few I know about I can face. It’s the ones I haven’t found yet that scare me.
So what to do??
First, I’ve begun seeing a professional. Yep I started therapy. I now have an unbiased person in my corner that’s not emotionally invested in my life. Someone who is looking objectively and can help me deal. I highly recommend it.
Second, realizing that I’ve had a trigger and I’m heading down the dark path. I have to realize it and stop myself. Just pause and think and attempt to work through it in my brain.
Third, writing. This is one way I can put these demons in their place. I get it out and air it for the world to see. It acts as a little bit of accountability as well.
Finally, acceptance. I accept that I have these demons. They’re mine and I have to face them. I need to don my armor and fight to save my own life. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. And failure is not an option.
I can not go backwards. I can not become that person again. I will not allow it. So, I will fight. Kicking and screaming, crying and praying.