When my mind starts to go off the rails, this is what comes out. Disclaimer: I adore my husband and he’s a good father. I am not suicidal (anymore) but this is how I felt at this time and in this mind set.
“I feel so alone all the time. Thoughts I can’t write anywhere else. My husband either desires me so much it’s painful or everything that’s wrong in our life is my fault. Money is a constant issue. We make plenty yet don’t ever have enough. I’ve been in charge of bills for our entire relationship and I’ve never done anything correctly. Even I know this. Yet if I ever say to him “do it yourself” he refuses. When faced with the reality of our finances he gets upset.
The kids are a whole other issue. Never allowed to just be kids he has to constantly micro manage them. He is constantly keeping score between the two of us. Who yells more, who just got after who for this offense etc. it gets so old. He never finds out the story before he jumps to a conclusion. He’s constantly mad at them for something. Then if they show him love he makes fun of them or brushes them off.
I wonder if I’m really meant to be with this man for the rest of my life? And yet I can’t imagine a life without him. But I often think they’d all be better off without me.
Maybe he would be better if I wasn’t around. He’d have more money and more time with the kids. Maybe he would be softer. Kinder. Gentler. More loving. And I would finally have done something right. “
Be kind to everyone always, you never know what inner demons someone is battling daily. I feel as though I’m constantly at war, but today’s a good day.
~Sandi
My Journey’s My Own 