Ridiculous

I’ve never considered myself ridiculous. Not down deep. But when you already have a low self esteem and people, even those who claim to love you, treat you or tell you that you are you tend to believe it.

How I look: I’ve always tried out different styles. I enjoy it. But I’m terrified to look bad. For years I hid in my clothes. I wouldn’t wear anything revealing or anything someone could comment about. I didn’t deserve to look nice. I didn’t deserve to look “cool” or “trendy”. I was obese (a word I despise). I am always very conscious of how I look or how others will see me and I try to dress accordingly. I’m slowly coming into my own here but I am still so careful and would never risk looking ridiculous.

My attitude: I’ve always had a sassy mouth but only if I was comfortable around you. If I don’t know you well, you’re not going to see the real me. In fact I think there’s only one person on the planet that’s ever seen the real me (and it’s not my husband) because, my mouth has gotten me into trouble. I’ve been accused of being mean. Of being rude. Of being a bitch. Funny thing, I actually try insanely hard to never be any of the things I’m accused of. I often apologize when I don’t need to. I try and stop others from having a conflict because I hate it so much. I can count on one hand how many “fights” I’ve gotten into with anyone besides my husband. Ridiculous

My humor: I find myself quite funny. But apparently I’m the only one. I’m constantly told I’m not funny and eyes are rolled when I talk or crack a joke. Teasing? Nope, not allowed. I think I need to do some soul searching here and maybe learn to keep my mouth closed. Because what’s the point? Ridiculous.

How I love: I apparently do this wrong also. I love fiercely but it’s often not well received. My husband, of course, welcomes it and he returns it but the rest of my family doesn’t get it. A few do but, well anyway…… more soul searching I guess. Ridiculous.

Life in general: I know for a fact I do this wrong. Otherwise my kids wouldn’t get into fights at school, punch each other in the face, have cleaner rooms, my house would be cleaner and not in such horrible disrepair, we would have nicer things and more money (as I’m in charge of our bills). When you make 6 figures and you still worry about affording gas next week because it’s 5 days until payday…that’s a problem. Ridiculous.

Sticking up for myself or speaking my mind: I know most think I do this but I don’t really. Truth be told, I usually just say what I think people want to hear. Rarely, if ever, is it how I feel. Do I even have my own mind? My own thoughts and opinions? I’m starting to wonder. Ridiculous.

Writing: Putting my feelings and experiences out there for the world to see. Even if that world is quite small. Why do I care? Does anyone really care what I have to say? Probably not. I’m probably just being ridiculous.

And how do I change this mindset? I haven’t a clue. I’m sure some will say I’m depressed and none of these things happen, that I’m imagining it. Maybe. Maybe I am ridiculous. Maybe everyone laughs at me behind my back. Maybe my kids don’t really respect me. Maybe nobody does. Maybe they’re faking too. I guess I’ll never know.