Muddy Roads

I have had the ultimate pleasure to encounter some beautiful people lately. Those who have gone through the same surgery and those who’ve taken pounds off on their own. And they are all such an inspiration.

I know a few people who have had the surgery and they are all having different results. All have lost weight, but they’ve done it at different rates. It’s come off different places of the body faster than others, and they’ve had different emotional reactions to it. But they all have told me the same thing over and over. IT’S WORTH IT.

It’s worth every emotion, all the loose skin, the pain, the hunger.

So this helped me more than I can say. I am ready.

I think deep down, I’m terrified of who I will become once I can’t hide behind my fat anymore. Will people like me? Will my husband still love me? Will I still love me? Will I lose my mind and go through some mid-life crisis? But I have been thinking of these things for years and even though I don’t know what will happen until it happens, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be OK. And as I learned with the death of so many dear ones, my REAL friends won’t change.

I asked my husband just the other day if he was really OK with me getting the surgery? Because I realized that I’d never really asked him what his thoughts were. His answer: “I’m scared, but I want you happy and I know you’re not. I’m happy with you just as you are but I know you don’t like yourself right now.”

Who couldn’t just love this man to pieces??? He has always been such an amazing man and I thank God for him every day.

So I am moving forward. I got my C-Pap machine for the sleep apnea about 2 months ago. I hate it LOL, but I need to use it. My friend CM, who helps me with my sleep issues, is amazing and has come to my aid so many times, as far as masks and tips…I love her!

It’s a sexy look too, let me tell ya. LOL NOT! But Bryan doesn’t care, thank goodness.

And one other thing I started doing (again) is journaling my food. I have to do it before I meet with Nutrition anyway, so that’s a great motivator. But I love the app I use. It’s called “Lose It” and it’s better than the previous app I had used. It’s got more choices and a better database. It is just as eye opening as it was the first time I did it. It’s amazing to me that even a salad can be 800 calories! (Applebee’s Fiesta Chopped Chicken Salad…um yeah) You have to be really honest with yourself in order to move forward.

I have had a few set backs though. This isn’t all rainbows and butterfly’s….I’ve gained. Which in itself pisses me off. Because I have been riding my bike and eating better due to journaling.

So the only other thing that’s changed……..

(TMI COMING)

Is I had an IUD placed. I’ve read up on it and weight gain is a side effect. So in the quest to not have visits from Aunt Flow anymore, as birth control isn’t an issue, I’ve gained weight when I’m on a quest to lose it. GO ME! UGH, so I’m trying even harder now to take it off. I’m at my heaviest….in my whole life and I hurt. I hurt bad. Not only from a recent shoulder thing (whole lot longer unrelated story I won’t bore you with) but my knees and ankles just hate me. I walk like I’m 90! I’m popping two anti-inflammatories a day just to be able to move.

So this surgery can’t come soon enough.

I just want to move like a normal person, shop in the normal section of the store and be able to do fun things with my family and friends. I don’t want to hurt, I want to be able to do things and be able to walk around the grocery store or the fair or the zoo and not envy those who are in wheelchairs or on scooters! I mean GOODNESS I’m 41!! My life goals shouldn’t be to NOT HURT!

My very bumpy road is continuing, and right now, even though there’s mud I’m digging my way through.

As I told a friend yesterday, after she said she loves reading what I put down here, I forget that those who read this know me. I forget that you work with me, love me at home and at church. Love me for me. I appreciate all of you. Your support and love and prayers are my life blood. Thank you all for everything.

To be continued……….