Marriage and Whatnot

I do not know what the current divorce rate is, but I know it’s high. I also know that almost every couple that were married before or soon after we were is no longer together.

My hubby and I will celebrate 24 years of marriage this year, but it hasn’t been an easy road. But I can honestly say that we have never had a bad enough fight or disagreement that would have lead to divorce.

So I am writing this for the youngsters. For those in a relationship, for those that are still seeking. And honestly, for the old married folk like me, that can add to this blog, please do so. These kids need advice. They need to understand that you can be married forever. You can be in love with your spouse through it all.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard work. It’s exhausting. And it’s worth it.

When you say “I do” you better mean it. Because you just made a promise to love someone else forever. Don’t take this lightly. It’s one of the most important things you’ll ever do. You are promising to love, honor, cherish, support (financially and emotionally) comfort, nurse back to health, and laugh with the one you’ve chosen to share your life with.

Emotions

We all have them. Some express them loudly, some do not. Women, don’t try to force your husband to tell you everything, they aren’t geared that way. Yes you are his best friend, yes he loves you but you never know deep down why he doesn’t want to tell you every single emotion he is having right at the moment he is having it. And some of you ladies may be like that as well (though in my experience this is not the case ) And men, it’s simple….we just want you to listen to us. Let us cry or vent or whatever, we DO NOT want you to SOLVE the problem! We just need a shoulder. We know you would prefer that we call our Moms or our BFF’s but honestly sometimes you’re it!

Living together

Now I know we are in the year 2016, and often people live together long before they get married. No judgment here. But everyone will admit that living with another person takes some flexibility. You share bathrooms, beds and kitchens. You should always be thinking of the other person and how what you are doing could effect them. You’ll learn early on how they fold the towels after the shower, how they handle their dishes after a meal and where their clothes go after work. Not everyone has the foresight to sit down and lay it out, deciding how these minor details will be handled. As Americans we usually just jump in with both feet and hope for the best. If you find yourself in this situation, my advice would be to take a step back and ask yourself, “Is this that big a deal?” If it is, have an adult conversation. If not, let it go. Clean it up, wash it, put it in the trash yourself. Maybe they’ll notice and get the hint and if not then you have a decision to make…talk or not.

Kids

Wow this one I still struggle with. I adore my four children and for the first few years we parented well together. But we only had one child. It wasn’t until the other two came along that I realized he did not parent correctly!!!

I say this tongue in cheek, but truly that was how I felt. I shielded my kids from him, I would undermine his authority all the time and I was the one who was driving the wedge between them. I could yell and discipline, but he couldn’t. He was too tough on my babies, he was too loud, he was unreasonable. What he was, was a Dad. My husband is a loud man. He’s a gently man, but he does demand a level of respect from his children and I was taking that from him. And it was wrong. I have changed my ways, significantly but it’s funny because so has he.

Together we parent our kids, we listen to each other, we barely yell and almost never have to hand down a real punishment. And believe me, our kids are far from perfect. I think the conversation about how to parent or how you will parent together is important, but it was one that never crossed my mind when we were dating. If I had it to do over again, I would definitely find out where he stood and how we would handle situations together and as a unified team.

In-laws

I think many who know my husband and I would be shocked to know that neither of our mother’s liked us in the beginning. My mom was convinced I was dating some rebel loser and his mom had the opinion that I didn’t hold a candle to the last girlfriend. Now, I was raised with the notion that no matter what you respected your elders. So I was never rude, I never argued on purpose and I definitely never got “in” my mother in laws face. My husband also showed my mother the utmost respect. These were our parents! The ones who sacrificed so much for us. And both of these amazing women, eventually saw what we saw. The person that their child loved more than anything, and they both grew to love us as one of their own.

Obviously this won’t be the case for everyone, as there are so many different scenarios and situations out there, but for us this was what worked. I don’t remember there ever being a time when I fought with my mother in law. I adored her. My husband adored my mom, we were blessed. I can only hope and pray that my children are as blessed as we were. And hopefully we will try hard to be amazing in laws to our future kids.

**Side note: The dad’s aren’t mentioned on purpose. My dad wasn’t really around and my father in law has always loved me and was always AMAZING.


Technology

This is something new to me. We didn’t have the same technology when my relationship started. But watching some of the younger crowd now, it needs addressing. Phones are allowed to be private. Think of them as a diary. Some people save everything to their phones and don’t want you looking at them. Don’t be so paranoid that he won’t let you have full access. And don’t ask! It’s a sign that you don’t trust him. If you’re having those thoughts then there’s a deeper problem. Video Games! OMG I hate these. Men, get off the damn game and pay attention to your family. They are what’s real! You will miss out on so much because you are in this fantasy world! But ladies, the internet, YES PINTEREST is you’re issue as well! We need to go technology free once in awhile and connect with the humans we love. Not just Instagram and Facebook them! PUT DOWN THE PHONE!

*** And if you don’t want your child to be that obsessed with video games, for crying out loud don’t buy them!

Fighting

IT happens! For a multitude of reasons. I have gone to bed mad. I’ve given him the silent treatment for days. I’ve said things I later regretted and some I didn’t. I (can’t believe I’m going to say this) have even slapped my husband. This is something I am totally ashamed of and only happened once. And no, he didn’t have it coming. I was being the giant B word. I’ll own it, we are all this word a few times in our life.

Fighting, arguing, whatever you call it can be healthy. It relieves tension. It gets things out in the open. It makes making up really good too. Never ever have I had a fight with him that made me want to leave him. Though, I am surprised he hasn’t left me a time or two. (I can be a handful) But when it comes down to it, I can’t imagine my life without him. And when I try…..I almost can’t handle it. It hurts me to think about that.

So I guess the bottom line is this.

Do you love them?

Are they worth all the changes you will have to make?

Are you happier when you’re with them?

Can you imagine a child with them? Do you want to raise said child LOL

Can you imagine your life without them?

If you answered these honestly then fight to make your marriage work. Because it is worth it. You are worth it. And your children will thank you for it.

 

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~ Just some musings from an old married lady 😉