Depression Phase 1

I have never considered myself depressed. I know some people who suffer from it and I don’t relate to them at all. At least not with that. But I recently took a health assessment quiz at work. Working in the health care field I have a few resources available that others may not have.

Anyway, I took this quiz. And at first I was jazzed, you know, I got to put down a starting weight and a current weight. Then I got to say what food I don’t eat and what foods I do. It was going well.

Then, it started in about some things, that at the end of the quiz, were clearly questions regarding depression.

I’m depressed.

Not suicidal depressed, not sit in my bathroom crying depressed but I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. Even in those moments that I should be happy there’s always some kind of grey cloud hanging.

When I started to lose weight, it felt great and I was happier but there are just some things in my life that I still feel very out of control of.

One is my children and their moods and behavior. Now, my children aren’t horrid but there are times that I get so angry with them for not listening or picking up after themselves (well you know). And I feel like a good parent. I attempt to teach them how to do the right things, but there are times I feel so out of control.

Two is my finances. As hard as I try to manage our money, it just seems to always go wrong. It’s not that I don’t know how to do it but for some reason it just falls apart. And it’s very hard to be truly happy at a moment when all you can think about is how little money you have. How I have to limit my children or our activities due to no cash flow.

Three is my husband. He’s the love of my life which also means that he can hurt me like nobody else can. One cross word, being grumpy with the kids, asking where something is and me not knowing…..

Why is it, that as a mother and wife, I feel like everything is my fault? Is it because God made women this way or is it because I am neurotic?

And to add insult to injury some of those things seem to combine. We haven’t had the money for me to buy the Medifast food that I need to continue to lose weight. So I have been eating normal food but then all the depression stuff has kicked in and SHOCKER I eat my feelings! DUH, so of course a few pounds have crept back on. So then I get down about that…..and around and around and around it goes.

I’m not actually trying to be funny about this. I was actually asked if I needed counseling?! And maybe I do.

Maybe I need to just bare my soul to someone?

And of course even as I write this I feel guilty.

Because I have so many blessings in my life, how can I possibly be complaining about feeling a little sad or overwhelmed or poor. There are others close to me that have all of that plus 100X more.

So I put on a smiling face, I make small talk and I organize people and events. Because that’s who I am.